Friday, March 29, 2013

Pure Truth!

Being 25 and not knowing. Heck, being any age and not knowing who you are is huge. Regardless, this is me. I've been through a lot in the past year or so. My parents decided to separate. My sister is now well into her sophomore year at Trinity Christian University and I'm well engrossed in my own academics here at UCCS. Beyond that, most of my friends have either moved away or have begun to start their own families. I say I don't know who I am because I feel that there are a few unique things keeping me back from where I need to be. Most of these come in the form of secrets, but that's about to change. This posting is a bout pure truth and that's what you're going to get. The whole truth and nothing but the truth no matter how cliche that sounds. You see, there is one thing that I have managed to learn in the past few years, and that is that God cannot further his relationship with you unless you are completely honest with him. Sometimes that requires you to be completely honest with yourself. I fight over that very idea on a daily basis, and now I feel as though I am ready to expose the real me. So who is the real Devin?

The real me is hurting. I'm upset that my parents have separated  and I don't know which side to take and how to be there for my family. The real me feels alienated. Partly because of my own discretion, but to be completely honest, I don't know if my parents have gotten a divorce or not. Part of me wants to know but fears my own course of action afterwards. The other part would rather it be a secret, a tiny bit of hope to hold on to knowing that being unaware is better than being in more pain.

The real me sees a light, my grandmother. Bold and true to every one of us. She overflows with compassion and I wish that I could give her the world. She holds are family together, but I see her aging. I see our burdens becoming her burdens and I see the wear and tear it has caused her. I fear for the day when my grandparents are no longer with us and what that will mean to our family.

The real me is jealous. Jealous of a time when I was in love with a girl that gave me everything, but was I afraid to say I loved her back. I'm sorry for the way I made her feel on a daily basis and I'm sorry for the lack of compassion I failed to show her as I tried to discover myself and look cool while doing it. I want to thank her for the life lessons she shared with me.

The real me struggles. I struggle to sit down and do the work required for me to succeed to the best of my ability academically. I struggle to maintain relationships with friends and girls because my ego often gets in the way. I struggle with porn, and fetish, and telling the truth, and deceit, and gripe and finance. All of these I want to overcome. I want to best these things and make a better life for myself. Everyday is a challenge to be better and everyday is a chance to be better.

I'm lonely and I don't know how to get through this alone. All I know is that I want to break through this and if I didn't get this out there, I don't know if I can

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