Friday, March 29, 2013

Pure Truth!

Being 25 and not knowing. Heck, being any age and not knowing who you are is huge. Regardless, this is me. I've been through a lot in the past year or so. My parents decided to separate. My sister is now well into her sophomore year at Trinity Christian University and I'm well engrossed in my own academics here at UCCS. Beyond that, most of my friends have either moved away or have begun to start their own families. I say I don't know who I am because I feel that there are a few unique things keeping me back from where I need to be. Most of these come in the form of secrets, but that's about to change. This posting is a bout pure truth and that's what you're going to get. The whole truth and nothing but the truth no matter how cliche that sounds. You see, there is one thing that I have managed to learn in the past few years, and that is that God cannot further his relationship with you unless you are completely honest with him. Sometimes that requires you to be completely honest with yourself. I fight over that very idea on a daily basis, and now I feel as though I am ready to expose the real me. So who is the real Devin?

The real me is hurting. I'm upset that my parents have separated  and I don't know which side to take and how to be there for my family. The real me feels alienated. Partly because of my own discretion, but to be completely honest, I don't know if my parents have gotten a divorce or not. Part of me wants to know but fears my own course of action afterwards. The other part would rather it be a secret, a tiny bit of hope to hold on to knowing that being unaware is better than being in more pain.

The real me sees a light, my grandmother. Bold and true to every one of us. She overflows with compassion and I wish that I could give her the world. She holds are family together, but I see her aging. I see our burdens becoming her burdens and I see the wear and tear it has caused her. I fear for the day when my grandparents are no longer with us and what that will mean to our family.

The real me is jealous. Jealous of a time when I was in love with a girl that gave me everything, but was I afraid to say I loved her back. I'm sorry for the way I made her feel on a daily basis and I'm sorry for the lack of compassion I failed to show her as I tried to discover myself and look cool while doing it. I want to thank her for the life lessons she shared with me.

The real me struggles. I struggle to sit down and do the work required for me to succeed to the best of my ability academically. I struggle to maintain relationships with friends and girls because my ego often gets in the way. I struggle with porn, and fetish, and telling the truth, and deceit, and gripe and finance. All of these I want to overcome. I want to best these things and make a better life for myself. Everyday is a challenge to be better and everyday is a chance to be better.

I'm lonely and I don't know how to get through this alone. All I know is that I want to break through this and if I didn't get this out there, I don't know if I can

Monday, July 23, 2012


I'ts funny, when I was a kid and anybody would ask me what the perfect age would be for me in this lifetime i would always pick the number 24. At the time, if asked I could have never given a reasonable response as to why 24 stood out among all the other years. Even funnier, until just recently I still couldn't have done it. I'm just now beginning to realize why 24 is such a historic number in my life. This year has been quite the ride. It started off with an incredible Christmas romance I wouldn't take back for the world. I really broke out of my shell for the first time in years. I took chances I would have never made and I pursued things that I never before had the guts or the stamina to pursue. Since the holiday season things have only gotten better. Spring semester of school was great. Sure I went a little limp after spring break but heck, who doesn't. I finished strong regardless. Also, the unthinkable happened. I received a scholarship off that came out of thin air; It's a blessing that will allow me to pursue a new academic career at a school I never thought I'd be able to attend. I've recently met an incredible girl I can only hope will be someone I can see myself with in the long run. I'm letting go of things that hurt me so deeply in the past and moving forward at such an alarming rate, sometimes I have to close my eyes and step back from it to take it all in. Blessing are overflowing and God has been so good to me in this season! All seasons really. I can't wait to see what he does next. 24 is my year!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

So What's Next

So what's next? What's the next phase of this crazy path I seem to be walking? What is God trying to tell me and how should I respond? It's funny, things are going terribly right and wrong at the same time. I don't know whether to be happy  or sad. One thing is for sure, I'm content. I don't need the things that I used to desire so frequently. I'm changing and from what I can tell it's for the better. 

Monday, April 16, 2012

"Profiling the Christian mind"

Life lessons, things that are supposed to make you stronger. Here's a question for you though. If you make a similar mistake or even the same mistake. Is the negative result a life lesson. In my opinion this scenario would actually be a consequence. Yes that's right, a consequence that results from you not learning from the first life lesson. Funny as it may sound, I'm finding that I'm facing a lot of recurring life consequences as a result of not learning from my original life lessons. 

Monday, April 2, 2012

I am the Boy

I am the boy. The uninhibited dreamer who never gets to far. Who always wants to reach higher, but never knows why he can't. I like many others, started at the bottom and slowly worked my way to the top. Each year, each class, each person that I might is a renewed blessing waiting to happen. I'm doing everything in my power to achieve success but God has got me this far right.  

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sometimes I wish the rules hadn't been set up this way. Is it just me or are there other guys out there that think that dating has been screwed past the point of reconciliation. Women feel like they are entitled. Entitled to men who somehow have to support them, never get angry, and be this spontaneous and trustworthy person who never has a bad day. I know this seems a little far fetched, but that's just the way they come across at times. All I see from girls, "The girls just want to have fun mentality". No matter how nice you are, no matter how trustworthy you are, girls are only in it for the fun and the money. I want to meet someone who is quite the opposite.  I would love to meet a girl who doesn't need to party, who has her stuff together and works 10 times  more than she ever plays. Impossible maybe, but I don't mind being single if it means that I don't have to deal with the misery that comes with having to entertain a female. I ask myself at times. If girls want to be treated as equals, kept at the same level in the work force, no longer bound to the kitchen or homemaker status. Then in a relationship, lets say if I were to get married, what would I really be getting out of the relationship? I don't need another person who doesn't know how to cook, who can't clean and doesn't want to put any effort forward. Take away sex and the overall all assumption that she is just nice to look at and what is left that I can't get from my males friends? 

Monday, February 27, 2012

"Not Going To Lie To You"

It's never easy is it? You just go through life and all you can really do is your best. I have to say, I'm not the happiest camper right now. It's not easy being me, as I'm sure it's not easy being you either. Life is tough and it takes more than just saying that today is going to be a good day to make things better. School sucks, I feel at times like I am going to actually be here forever. God has given me the opportunity to go to a school where I can develop my talents and gifts and half the time I choose not to honor it. I always want to be something that I am not, why is that? I'm selfish and I have a lot of bad habits to work on that's true. Recently I struck out, giving the dating game another try. Three different girls and three different fails. Truth is, i just don't know how to be in a relationship and even more, I'm not sure I know how to sustain one. I'm still in love with a love that's long past. At least I can say that it was and still is the most sincere I have ever been when dealing with love. I'm a lost cause that needs a savior. That will come through God. Problem is, my biggest solution I seem to have the hardest time turning to. Is this a problem for anyone else but me? 

Friday, December 9, 2011

In Our Times

Jesus said Follow Me

Andrew turned around to see Jesus looking at them.  His gaze drew him in.  The fisherman had been given an invitation to join this man-to walk with him, live with him, eath with him, and learn from him.  Instantly Andrew had made up his mind to trust his life to Jesus.  He was willing to give up everything that he had dreamed for his future becuase he saw something in Jesus he could not ignore.  ”Without delay” he left and followed Jesus.  
There was no hesitation, no indecisiveness.  He knew right away that he wanted to be with Jesus.  Nothing else mattered.  When Jesus invited “follow me”, some like Andrew followed.  However, others did not.  What was the difference?  The ones who folowed must have seen something different in Jesus than the others had.  Maybe the ones who ignored His offer thought that Jeus was interesting, but they didn’t think he was worth following.  
Maybe their reputation and image was stronger than their desire to be associated with Jesus.  Even today Jesus walks past individuals and calls out to them.  Yet, some by not saying “yes” are saying “no”.  Make sure you say “yes” today.